Well, I'm leaving tomorrow! I hadn't really planned it, but I feel that leaving the first day of a new year is symbolic. New Year-New Place-New Lifestyle-New Discoveries-New Friends... the list could go on
I'm very excited about it, but at the same time I fear that I'm leaving some important things behind. I'm afraid that Teena, Rachel, Jeff, and Kadi will continue recovering from Aaron's death without me, and somehow I will be disconnected from the family. I want to have the same great relationship with them that I have now. Also, I don't want Bailey and Zoie to kind of forget me. I still want to be as much a part of the family as I am now. I love them all so much.
I know my mom is going to have a serious freak out as well. I feel bad enough that I haven't really stayed home at all since Aaron died, and now I'm leaving the country all together. I'll still be in touch with everyone though. It seems a bit strange to me that my fears are all associated with home and the relationships I already have (which will all be perfectly fine anyway)-- yet I'm not worried at all about being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and thrown into a totally different culture. Those are actually the things I'm most excited about. It occurred to me the other day that I can be anyone I want to be. On this trip my goal is to be completely comfortable with the person that I am, even if it's not what others find "cool." Aaron is the only person that I've ever been 100% myself around, and if that was good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I have a good feeling about this whole trip and the effects that the experience will have on my future.
Last night was rough. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'm going alone. This was supposed to be what Aaron and I did TOGETHER. It breaks my heart that he isn't going to be by my side; I can't stop crying whenever I think about it. I know he would proud of me though- not only because volunteering is such a beneficial experience for everyone, but also because I had the courage to pack up and actually do it even though I'm going alone. I love him.
I fully believe that I'm doing the right thing. In my heart I know that this experience is going to provide an immense amount of healing, courage and confidence that I've never had, and a new appreciation for the life (even when things don't go the way I've planned).
Today's Song for Aaron
Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay:
Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before
And the wheel just keeps on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come
Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become
For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
